the "bad mommy" orgy March 30, 2005
It used to be that all writing by mothers about motherhood was sweet and light and happy. Motherhood was all rainbows and roses and soft-focus babylove. Mothers simply didn’t admit — at least in print (in large part, because no one would print it) that sometimes being a mother is boring, painful, depressing, and just plain hard.
Then came the amazing and wickedly subversive Erma Bombeck, who managed to get publishers to let her write about these things — but only if she couched it all in slapstick humor. Her books sold in the gazillions and mother-readers loved them because lurking just beneath the laughs was the extreme pathos of the darkest days of mothering little kids.
Today, however, the dam has burst and it seems to me that we are now in the midst of some kind of “bad mommy” orgy, with writers and publishers tripping all over each other to see who can admit in print — hard copy or online — to being the worst, darkest, most disturbed mother on the block.
That is exactly how I felt after the “Mommy Madness” article came out in Newsweek. It is important for moms to be honest about their experiences and to talk with other moms and get real support. But, is that what all of these articles and books are leading to? It doesn’t seem that way to me.
I’ve read a bunch of those books also. Since becomming a mother almost 4 years ago I’m fascinated with all things parenting and child related. Some I really enjoyed (Ann Crittendon)and others weren’t so great(Susan Douglas, who made some good points but alienated me and Susan Maushart, who seemed very bitter). All have some good points to make, but I certainly never felt like there was a big conspiracy to hide most of the things they discuss. Women have always talked to each other about their lives-I never felt like anyone purposely hid information. I was aware that motherhood is hard work (plenty of babysitting and having a sister born when I was 13 probably helped though). I enjoyed Maternal Desire by Daphne de Marneffe because it was the first one I’d read that talked about WANTING to be a mother. It didn’t idealize the experience but talked about women being surpised to realize that this can be very fulfilling too. It’s almost as though things have swung in the opposite direction causing prejudice towards women having children and not a career. There seems to be this expectation that while women love their children, we all need lots of “Me” time, away from our children (or husbands too). That we can’t wait to get on with our lives or get back to our jobs. I find myself having to explain why I want to be with my children and don’t have them in daycare or leave them with a babysitter to “date” my husband. My mother-in-law stayed home with her children against her will, so she constantly criticizes my choice to stay at home while the kids are young. I understand why she would have preferred to be outside the home, it fits with her personality,and I can accept that for many people working is the right choice, or a mixture of the two. But the assumption now seems to be that work and alone time are equally important with raising children for all women. You would think feminism would have taught us to respect women’s choices, and understand that what makes one woman happy does not work for all women. But we still seem to be trying to tell people what the right choice for them is. We’re still very judgemental. I guess my point is that it would be nice if these books recognized that the enemy is not particular life choices or other women, but really gov.t and society not helping women to accomplish parenting in a way that satisfies their particular family. Providing quality daycare, good maternal/paternal leave with assurance that a job would be held, good community programs for older kids, better healthcare,more job flexibility, more support for single parents and more support for all parents. There are so many paths to fulfillment.
Katie I’m so gald you commented on Ayelet Waldman’s article.
When I read the article in the Sunday Times there was smoke coming-out of my head. I felt bad for her kids to read what she wrote. She needs a reality check about marriage, and there was nothing funny, hip or cool in what she wrote!
It’s meanness towards your children to write such crap. What happens with all her first place love when she finds her husband fucking some other women or he just stops loving her?
What will she do when the feelings become mutual from her children that she never had a first place warm loving spot in their heart.
Oh my God Katie– um, will you be at the LLL Conference this year because I *really* need to hug you for saying this! I have addressed this negativity thing in my blog several times and I was considering several more posts on it because it makes me mad too. I have read just about every negative motherhood book out there and it’s soul-killing. You just read my mind. Sajmom you made a lot of the same points I have made in my blog in the past and I also was really, REALLY put off by Susan Maushart’s book.