single mama stuff February 27, 2006
So I’ve met & am seeing someone I like a good deal. He’s pretty great. It’s been quite an unexpected surprise for any number of reasons, but there it is. It’s sweet.
I’ve been very wary of introducing anyone to my children since I started dating (silly word) again and mostly, I haven’t. My kids’ father seems much more okay with having his girlfriends around the kids often and early (and that seems to work fine for all concerned. really. just seems not right for me). I did let one person meet the kids and spend a little bit of time with the four of us as a family, but I now think that was too early because my kids seemed a bit confused by where he went when things between us cooled.
I have another person I’ve seen a good bit over the past year who has literally NEVER met my children and doesn’t seem inclined to. It just doesn’t seem to be something that’s ever going to be part of our relationship. Then a third person I saw for a bit last winter quickly morphed into a good, close, platonic friend whom I love having around the kids because it’s not a romantic relationship at all. The kids like him, too.
But anyway, so here’s this guy I am seeing and really, really like and it’s hard to suss out when and how to have the whole “meet the children” thing happen. On the one hand, there’s no hurry whatsoever. On the other hand, no one can actually get to know me in any real, meaningful way unless they know me as a mother (I mean, I am myself aside from being a mother, but that’s a huge, huge part of who I am). And you can’t have any idea what my life is actually like unless you spend time around me with my children and the four of us as a family. So if someone gets to know me over a period of months without ever seeing me with my children, they may not have a clear sense of the person they are dating and the whole thing could go terribly awry once that element was introduced into the relationship. It could be very jarring. Life with three children is very, very different from life as a single guy with no children.
Also, if you have three children and you never allow the person you are dating around them at all, it means you can essentially only see that person every other weekend, which isn’t awfully conducive for getting to know someone or developing a relationship beyond the occasional movie or something.
It’s not an easy thing to figure out. I’ll let you know if I ever do 
I am dating a single woman with two children. We just got engaged and are very happy. I agree that I couldn’t really know her until I knew that part of her life. I had never really been around children at all before meeting this woman and actually didn’t really want to be around children. But it became clear to me pretty quickly that this woman was too amazing and once in a lifetime to let slip away because of the fact that she had children so I sort of closed my eyes and took the jump. I will admit that at first it was sometimes hard. The kids are very demanding and I wasn’t used to it. I wanted more of her attention and time when the four of us spent time together and sometimes I found their behavior frankly annoying. But as I got to know them as people, I began developing my own relationship with them instead of them just being “her” kids and now I can honestly say I love them and we are a family, albeit one with the same stresses and challenges of any family. They are with their father for about ten days each month and I really enjoy that time alone with my fiancee and we are actually thinking of having a baby. It all works out IF you really dig the woman. You will know the men who are worth putting any effort into by their willingness to engage with your life as a mother. If it’s a huge turnoff to them, just walk away. That’s my advice. Good luck!
Kate, You are a super cool, very hot girl who happens to be a mother. I think that makes you more attractive, plus your kids are really great. Jen and I often say we hope ours turn out as well in a few years. Any guy would be incredibly lucky to have you and those great kids in his life. I keep offering to introduce you to a nice insurance salesman from my office
Meeting, falling in love with and marrying my wife, who had two children when we met, is the greatest gift of my life. And now we have two children of our own (well they all are our own, but the oldest two also have another father). Never in my life did I imagine I would have four children, even though I knew I wanted a family. I am really glad that I didn’t let the fact that Kari had children run me off because our family is meant to be, even though we came together in an unusual way. You should see our two oldest, who are more than ten years older, with our baby and toddler. It’s great. I agree with the other guy who said that men who are unable to love all of someone including the part that is a mother aren’t really able to love anyone fully. Everyone comes with “issues,” and children are one of the best issues there are. It’s a plus not a minus if you let it be. My parents who were initially unsure about the idea of me being with someone with children are now just thrilled to have four grandchildren ranging in age from 7 months to 13 years.
Hey man, if it works for Brangelina, it can work for you.
I think if the guy is nice and you like him, there is no reason to put off introducing him to the children as a friend. This is the most natural, relaxed way to do it. I think it’s far more loaded to wait a long time and then there’s this huge build up and you communicate some sense of his importance to the children and make the guy all stressed out. Better to just have him be around like any other adult friend and see how it all goes. That’s how my husband and I did it with my son, who was 9 when we met. Worked out well. We’ve been together five years and I’m pregnant
These are lovely stories. Thanks.
Who is this guy? Do I need to kick his ass preemptively?
J.B.
quote:
Anonymous said…
I think if the guy is nice and you like him, there is no reason to put off introducing him to the children as a friend.
I totally agree! You don’t have to introduce him as your “boyfriend.” Then if it doesn’t work then it wouldn’t be as awkward.
You cannot imagine how hard I treid to avoid getting involved with someone with children. I met this woman, we hooked up, we dated off and on for two years and I never met her kids. I moved to Nashville for a new job. We e-mailed, we talked on the phone. Ocassionally we got together for a weekend. We both dated other people but just couldn’t get her out of my head. I finally realized I had this idealized idea of the woman for me in my head when the woman for me was in front of me the whole time. She makes me laugh more than anyone and she’s sexy and smart and great. I finally asked to meet her kids, which blew her mind after all that time. I like them and now we’re actually dating-dating. One of us is going to have to move at some point. I guess she and the kids will probably move to Nashville because her job is more portable.
From the single dad side of things, I haven’t brought any of the women I’ve dated around the house to meet my kids, mainly because I’ve yet to find anybody I wanted to go out with more than once or twice.
It could be that I’m meeting the wrong kind of women…other than strip clubs and single’s bars, where are good places to meet ladies?*grin*
Jokes aside, (I haven’t actually dated any strippers or pick-ups, but to be honest, it couldn’t go much worse than a couple of the dates I’ve had…oh, the stories I could tell if I weren’t a gentleman…) if I went out with somebody and I felt like it could get serious, I’d want her to meet my kids early on. As a parent, I believe that my first responsibility is to the welfare of my kids, and no matter how right a woman may be for me, if there’s an incompatibility with the kids, that can be a deal breaker, at least until all the kids are 18.
Then all bets are off!*grin*
When my wife and I got together it was sort of the culmination of a long arcing relationship as acquaintances and friends. Actually, she was for the longest time the wife of a very close friend with whom she had two lovely little girls. That marriage dissolved as amicably as they possibly can and our arcs crossed again after I had been out of the country and out of loop on Knoxville goings-on. We started dating after I figured out that she wasn’t married any longer (a very funny story). I knew she had two kids from the get-go and told her that it wasn’t a problem inasmuch as I considered the situation to be one of dating 3 women at once. It was a lame joke, but my intent was to show that in order for the relationship to work, I felt that two little girls had to fall in love with me as a stepdaddy. When I asked my wife to marry me, the next moment I saw the girls I sat them down and asked them if it was OK for me to marry their mom. The “Yes” from them was as important, in some ways, as the one from their mom.
Well, it has been fits and starts and I have had the arrow aimed at my heart by the oldest who has rebelled the most against Mommy marrying Toby. At first, I didn’t let it bother me, but after a few months and especially leading up to our marriage, I realized that I had to get through to the oldest (Aside: the younger daughter digs me, but she is an all-together different child). So I started specifically doing things with her like taking her to school and working on learning to read. I cut back my disciplinary role and tried the “talking cure.” She really seems to have come around in the last 3 months and has relaxed the constant battle stance.
I recently had a “You’re not my daddy” moment with the eldest. My reply, very studied because I knew it was coming, was “No, I am not. But I know your daddy and how much do you want to wager, he’d be mad at you too for what you did? Let’s give him a call.” No call was made and a long stint with the nose in the corner was followed by an apology for saying something so mean.
I am not their father, but something much more difficult. He has the luxury of dashing in occasionally and doing it up as daddy. I have do to it everyday and it is my mistakes that they will most likely remember more than their father’s inability to hand in there with their mom. It is a big responsibility that frightens me at times.