katie allison granju

nicu thoughts May 17, 2007

As I’ve mentioned, the blogger Kate at Salty|Sweet has been writing some amazing stuff about the struggles her little preemie twins, Ben and Liam are currently FACING IN THE NICU.

She says that after months of ambivalence and even negativity over the idea that she was going to become a mother to twins (an unexpected surprise), now that they are sick, all she wants to do is make and mother a houseful of healthy, vital babies. She says she and her husband know this is an irrational response, but it’s how she feels right now.

As the mother of a former critically ill NICU babe myself (that would be E., who was born with primary pulmonary hypertension of the newborn), I can relate to having all kinds of wild and irrational thoughts during the time he was hospitalized.

My sister reminds me that the morning after E was first taken to the NICU, I called her from the hospital in a shaky, hormonal panic, whispering that I was sure that “they” were mistaken — that my baby wasn’t as sick as they were saying, and that I needed her to come on over and help me spring him from the neonatal ward (temporary postpartum psychosis anyone?).

Of course, she calmly talked me down from the ledge.

Interestingly, after E. recovered, I felt so lucky and grateful and scarred by the whole, terrible experience that unlike Kate, I was sure I would never want to risk another pregnancy again. No more babies for me, I thought. Yet, here I am a decade later, happily pregnant, but still having the occasional nightmare that NewBaby will be sick and blue and whisked away by strangers to a cold room full of similarly sick babies and freaked out parents.