an open letter to the fathers of babies September 30, 2007
Once again, K. nails it in her OPEN LETTER TO THE FATHER OF A NEW BABY.
I always wondered if the fathers I read and heard about - the ones who rushed to the door every afternoon, eager to get their hands on the baby after work - actually existed. The kinds of fathers who didn’t act like a “helper” or even a really good helper, but who were full, unasked participants in childcare and family life. Men who would never think of plannning evenings out alone or with friends that would clash with bath and bed time for kid(s).
My mother says my father was this kind of really involved daddy when we were little, and that is was wildly unusual for the time. I do remember him as very hands-on. And now that my little brother is a father to FOUR very young children, I see that my father’s example was passed on, because Robert is that way with his children. He’s an incredible dad.
But I still think those kinds of fathers are far too rare. Yet, somehow I found one. Jon is completely and equally involved in his daughter’s care. This still surprises me sometimes. He laughs when I act surprised that he doesn’t want to hand the baby over when she fusses. He finds it odd that I find it odd that he immediately gets up to change her diaper or clean up the spit up when she needs it. He makes sure - insists -that I get enough sleep since I am the one getting up at night to nurse her. Most of all, he just enjoys the heck out of her. I love watching them play together, nap together and just generally love on one another.
And while stepfathering is not the same as fathering, he excels at that family relationship as well.
It’s a revelation.
To me, there is nothing more attractive in a man than being a really good father. If more men realized this, there might be fewer unhappy marriages. Actually, I think there are a lot of men (and women) who probably never wanted kids in the first place and were pressured by partner, family or our culture to procreate. Then they spend the next 17 years more than a little irritated at the whole situation, but afraid to admit this to themselves or anyone else.
No one should have a baby unless they really, really, REALLY want to, because they are a lot of work. But when a man has one, he should do his share - joyfully and with a willing heart.
I posted over at the original essay as well. I for one DON”T find this heartening: I find it disturbing. Extremely. It is one thing for men (and anyone else who knows her for that matter) to offer verbal support to the new mom, especially in this day and age of parenting “experts” who have all conspired together to offer conflicting opinions designed to reduce the new mother into a blubbering mass of confusion. HOWEVER…I just cringe when I read about some bitch stomping her feet to demand that daddy get up multiple times a night and arrive home ready and refreshed to take the second shift after putting in a full day at the office. Yeah caring for a baby is work (made harder by the experts that make every move wrought with fear that junior will make a therapist rich in their later years if mommy doesn’t do x,y and z or does do a,b or c) but let’s get real…mommy can relax and snooze while baby nurses and she watches TV in her jammies and bad hair. And what is dad doing all this time? Something no doubt stress free. no HE has no need to chill after work. And if he so much as expresses a need to unwind after work without in effect taking on a second job then he better prepare to be branded as a lout or worse.
I do not have a problem with when both parents are working figuring out a fair way of dividing up stuff that needs to be done. But come on…when one parent is at home the other one is not exactly out relaxing while she is home with baby. I mean, how would mommy feel if dad is a brain surgeon and botches someones surgery because he was sleep deprived from “sharing the parenting” in the wee hours??? Hmmmmm???? I am all for equality which is exactly why I don’t like the flip side of patriarchy being turning men into slobbering codependent slaves. Or perhaps if these stay at home mommies didn’t feel they had to be on their kid every waking minute they wouldn’t be so whipped that they dissolve into a puddle when daddy comes home. Maybe if they put the baby on a semi regular schedule and encouraged night time sleep then they wouldn’t need to be in a state of denial that maybe their husbands are working hard too and may need to a little understanding. Maybe if they understood what previous generations did..that of encouraging baby to learn to do a little self entertainment interspaced with being loved on…then they might be a tad bit more refreshed and not need to pounce on the poor sap the second he comes home from providing for his family. I feel for the husband of that Tanya woman over at the original blog post.
Wow, Tabitha. You have a lot of anger there. Do you have any children of your own? Are you married?
I’m very glad to have a husband like the one described in the open letter. He is incredible, and I wouldn’t trade him for your vision of a good husband and father. And I wouldn’t trade any of my children (6, almost 13, and 24) for children forced into the molds that you would have children put into.
Wow, Tabitha that was a lot of kvetching from you, it seems as if you missed the whole point.
Katie has the advantage of different types of men as husbands and fathers to the kids, I find it fascinating when she posts about her amazement that men behave as Jon does in a kind and considerate manner towards her. God only knows what that man was like in her life before she had the wonderful luck to find such a peach like Jon who loves parenting as she does.
It is really nice to have a willing husband that actually feels it is as much their responsibility to care for their child. Too bad you don’t have that or desire this type of sharing in your life.
I can tell you first had You are really missing out and you come off as either a bitter women or maybe you are a martyr .
I’m sure ol’ Tabby doesn’t have kids or a husband. Or maybe she does and he doesn’t do anything around the house and that’s why she’s so mad.
I have no kids, but I do have a husband, and ours is a loving, caring, long-term relationship. And while I believe that Tabitha could have used a different tone in conveying her ideas, I do also believe that many of her ideas are spot-on.
It isn’t fair for the primary caregiver to expect the primary breadwinner to put in a “second shift” when the breadwinner is home from work. Now, there is no need to take potshots at the primary caregiver and resort to reactionary stereotypes, but I do agree that it is not right to *expect* the breadwinner to pull double duty.
Of course, what comes into play here are gender politics, and those are always inflammatory, no matter what the topic.
I cannot speak in the context of children, but I can say that my husband earns much more money than I do as a writer. What’s more, I work from a home office, where he has a half-hour commute to his office each way. When I decided to stay home and write, we also decided that I would take care of the house, do the grocery shopping, the cooking, the cleaning, and the laundry. I do this gladly, especially since I do not bring as much money into our home. Sometimes I grumble, and sometimes we eat out, and sometimes he does his own laundry, but for the most part, this works for us.
I am looking to go to graduate school in the next year and I don’t even know if I will be working at all. It makes me feel funny, just considering it, actually. When I am done with grad school, I will be teaching and earning.
I have two comments: 1) What about the potential mother’s responsibility to properly screen for good-dad material? My ex-husband was only 21 when we got married, and not particularly paternally natured. Over time, I realized that he would not ever be the kind of parent that I was wanting for my (unborn) kids… I never had those children for that reason. It’s possible to make a mistake once (expecting the dad to be a joyful and willing partner, only to discover that he is not), but why have multiple children with a man who isn’t enjoying the role of father?
2) You haven’t mentioned your first husband, specifically, but you are obviously contrasting him with Jon. I don’t think that’s particularly appropriate, for one because he’s not here to defend himself, and second, because you are being publicly critical of the father of three of your children. This kind of inference could be very damaging to those children. Implied is: ‘Your dad was not enthusiastic’. ‘Your dad did not care as much about you.”Your dad didn’t participate’… A child can see that as a reflection on themselves. C has the ‘good’ dad. H, J, and E have the ‘bad’ dad. That’s not a healthy contrast to make, even if it is true.
Unlike Tabitha, I don’t find the article disturbing, exactly - just … I don’t know, naive?.
What’s this about: “how she spends her days and nights is infinitely more draining — emotionally and physically — than how you spend Monday to Friday, 9 to 5.”
9-5? Is she married to a burger-flipper at McDonalds, or something? How about:
“how she spends her days and nights is infinitely more draining — emotionally and physically — than how you spend Monday to Friday, 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. (And a few hours every Saturday and Sunday, while you’re at it.)”
Maybe it’s because I had my children late in life (my 1st was born at 42 and the 2nd at 48), and we’re both professionals - but NO WAY am I deluding myself that I had a harder, more pressured job than my husband when I was working half-time from home and caring for a newborn and a 5-year-old. What I was doing was a cakewalk compared to him.
Tabitha is dead right that looking after little kids (unless they’re chronically ill, or disabled, or something) is just NOT. THAT. HARD. People like to make it hard, but it’s just not.
Clisby
Oh, Suzanne, you must be new to the blog. This:
“You haven’t mentioned your first husband, specifically, but you are obviously contrasting him with Jon. I don’t think that’s particularly appropriate, for one because he’s not here to defend himself, and second, because you are being publicly critical of the father of three of your children.”
is a perennial post topic.
But read back, y’all. She mentions, yet again, that she is the primary breadwinner of the family and will have to be traipsing off to work. Also oft-mentioned. What IS a guy to do? Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
What I’m wondering about is the contingency plan if there’s not enough milk pumped and/or sent for Jon and his mom when you go back to work, Katie. Are you setting them up to fail? Because those two posts don’t sound like there’s been much follow-through or testing out of the plan.
wow. I didn’t expect at the same time to have so many people agreeing with me (including some I am sorta surprised at: thanks Laura!!!) I am sadly NOT surprised at the stereotypical “she must be bitter” “she must be cruel to her kids” “her husband must be a jerk” responses. Really I am sorta surprised that no one said I must be a man (I bet if I wait a few days that old favorite will pop up here….like anyone who speaks up for men must of course be one). I have kids. I am married. My husband is great. We have had to hash out a lot of this stuff. We have only half jokingly said there should be support groups for new dads. Because they are not expected to need any adjustment themselves: their job is to support mommy as she “mothers”. Yeah, maybe I DID come across angry and bitter…but who DOESN’T when something really grabs at them. This is an issue that I find upsetting. This is not about “feminism”..how is it “equitable” to exchange unfairness to one gender with unfairness to the other? just for the record, I am in the process of applying to a professional school and if I get in my husband will be becoming a stay at home dad for this season of our lives. He does all the financial stuff and cleans the house because I suck at those tasks. So there goes your assumptions. I merely find it to totally unfair that these women pretty much denigrate what their husband is doing all day (from which they presumably benefit) as taking so little out of them that they are fresh and ready to take over baby duty when they walk in the door. Not to mention needlessly missing out on sleep when they are in no where near to position their wives are to make that sleep up during the day and perhaps, depending on the type of job, far less able to do what they need to do on that sleep deprivation. If that is “bitter”…so be it..but I think you are just tossing that word around because of your own issues.
and might I add that in part this was in response to “Tanya” posting on the original blog post at sweet/salty. she sounds like a bitch and I am surpised her (Tanya’s) husband puts up with it. Or maybe he doesn’t..who knows.
Having busted my ass at numerous jobs over my lifetime..sometimes multiple jobs at a time…I have to say that were it not for the generalized confusion brought on by “parenting experts”…staying at home with a baby would have been a piece of cake compared to having to be up, presentable and suitably alert five days a week, getting a break not when I decide its time to plop in front of the TV but when my boss decides its time for one.
I know this blog is generally anti-stay at home parent in the comments, but I feel the need to point out a few things.
1. If the father works and then comes home and helps, than he is working a second shift-what about Mom? She took care of the kids and house while he was at work, then SHE takes the second shift also if he comes home and does nothing but relax. The job is 24/7-no time off at all. No decompression that a drive home from work can offer. No one says, gee, you’ve had a rough day, you need time to relax. Not every day will be rough but if you don’t have perfect children like the above commenters must, than it can be horribly stressful and physically and mentally tiring!
2. If Mom works she generally has to come home and do the “second shift” at home anyway.
3.Maybe Mommy needs to relax and snooze during the day BECAUSE she was up at night with the baby. And if you have more than one child that isn’t an option anyway!
4.Good lord must we still drag out that old stereotype of a woman watching tv all day?! Do people still really think that’s what you do at home?5. Like every other aspect of life-raising kids is an individual thing. How difficult it is varies widely. It depends on the personality of the mother and the child/children and how these two combine. It is possible for a parent to be at home and be lazy and do very little. It is also possible for a parent to be at home and be busy non-stop. Some people find the baby stage to be easy, others find it very difficult-that is a factor that would definitely affect one’s view of a stay-at-home parent. Obviously parents ideally would find a compromise. The parent who works needs time to relax after a tough day at work, and the parent at home with the kid/s also needs some time away and/or help. Isn’t that obvious? Is there no value to the work done at home? Just because no paycheck is earned?! Many women do find being at home very challenging and wish there was some recognition of this-both from society and their husbands. A husband who “helps” with childcare and housework is most likely not actually taking a second shift. They are helping the mother-likely not doing all the work-and possibly actually enjoying their child! Does it not occur to anyone that maybe these husband who do this find it enjoyable to help raise their children??
I read the letter and I am just not getting all the uproar. The only thing I don’t really agree with the letter is the small part about how staying home is infinitely harder than the 9 to 5. Her point didn’t seem to be about Dad taking on more of the housework or getting up in the middle of the night. Her point was the need for validation. That when you are home all day with a baby, having your husband acknowldging that you are actually doing something is important.
I don’t see why we need to compare anyway. Oh this is a cakewalk compared to what he is doing all day or vice versa. The fact is that there were/are days my husband comes home exhausted from work and I thrust the kids at him. Is that really fair? Maybe not, but he sucks it up because he loves and enjoys his kids and he acknowledges my need for a break. Just like there are Fridays when he goes to the bar with some friends from work and I suck it up because he needs a break. He realizes what I do is important and I realize what he does is important. We really don’t need to compare.
O.K. and one last thing. The one thing I really loved about the letter was her comment about the love affair you have with your baby. How the guy needs to be the Dad who thrills at baby’s little accomplishments. And I think that is what Katie is getting at in her post also. Jon is baby drunk. He is not just changing the diaper to give Katie a break; he’s doing it because he loves interacting with Charlotte. And that she wishes she saw more dads like this. I’m not sure why that has to be so controversial.
My ex-husband is an excellent and very involved father. In praising Jon, I am in no way NOT praising him. I was comparing Jon to many men I see/know (and to cultural norms) not to the man I used to be married to. So let’s end that line of discussion right now. Just because I am saying nice things about Jon doesn’t mean that in doing so, I am saying anything less than nice about my ex-husband, who is - let me say it again - a very good dad and beloved by our three children.
Wow, 18 “I’s” in one post.Now there’s a “type” for you.
Wow, 18 “I’s” in one post. Now there’s a “type” for you.
Then why did you “always wonder” if the involved fathers you read and heard about really existed? Why did you say you found “one” not “two?” Why it such a revelation if Jon is not the first very involved father in your life? It should be pro forma. It sure sounds like a comparison to your first husband to me.
[...] unknown wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptAnd while stepfathering is not the same as fathering, he excels at that family relationship as well. It’sa revelation. To me, there is nothing more attractive in a man than being a really good father. If more men realized this, … [...]
I’ve never understood why there are readers of Katie’s blog who feel the need to twist everything she writes. I feel sad for those people; they must have very unfulfilling lives to need to act that way.
I don’t think there is anything so horrid about wanting and needing your life-partner to be understanding.
i did not take away from this the idea that this was about wanting your husband to appreciate that taking care of a young infant in emotionally draining (probably the fear of the unknown rather than anything else) I really truly got the idea that this is about the guy being made to feel like it is his job to prop up the mother and be ready to hop to it the second he is in the door, no matter how draining his job might be. That is a far cry from wanting them to be understanding. And while we are on the topic of understanding: I have never ever once heard all these women who bleat so loudly about wanting to be “understood” in their mothering consider the fact that fathers might need support too. Oh, yeah, I can hear it now..they don’t give birth, nurse, primary care give etc etc etc. But whether you want to believe it or not, becoming a dad is incredibly scary and overwhelming for a lot of men> Yet what are they told? Basically that there is room for one needy adult in this and that is the mother..because after all, she is doing all that MOTHERING. So the guys are supposed to just suck it up for their wives sake. you know, its OK if the woman is a blubbering bitch to her husband because well, you know, its so hard on her. But hey, let HIM lose his temper because he is stressed and suddenly he is the wicked evil incarnate. Its a HUGE double standard.
Katie, good luck tomorrow with going back to work. You have been in my thoughts a lot today. *SIGH* It just doesn’t seem right, that you have to leave little miss C. so early in her babyhood. Your blog has caused me to reconsider many of my hard-held opinions and see things in a different light, and for that, I am grateful. Good luck. You and your family are in my prayers as you embark on this latest adventure.
Everybody should keep in mind here, that Kate, the writer of the original post, has been though a lot–losing one baby, the whole NICU experience–and even though Ben is not a newborn at this point, she hasn’t had him home very long. And Katie has had major surgery, and is getting ready to go back to work. And some women have post partum depression. And a new baby is always an adjustment, no matter how many others you’ve had . . . I guess what I want to say is that having a newborn baby IS hard, always. I wouldn’t argue that staying home with a six-month-old is harder than working full-time, but I think the first couple of months with a newborn, after the stress and the hormones involved in pregnancy and birth, is very, very hard. And I also know that on numerous occasions my husband has told anyone who would listen that I have a much harder job (home with five kids, also working part-time from home and involved in many–too many–outside activities) is way harder than his (attorney) and that he would not want to trade. And while I don’t lay around and watch t.v., I do get to go back to sleep with the baby, or spend the afternoon at the pool with my sister, or play on the internet. Of course, I also change wet sheets at 3 a.m., and nurse my two year old at 5 a.m., and do laundry at midnight. I just don’t think there is any way to quantify these things. The important things are that the individual couple has worked things out in a way that makes sense to them, and that the father spends time with and is involved with his kids, and appreciates the hard work his wife is doing.
It seems to me a lot of bitterness is generated within some families by the tendency to assume the the other parent has it easier, and he or she should understand my needs and meet them on my terms. I think the mother who wrote the original open letter to fathers has a lot of good points. But I certainly wouldn’t assume that her husband has it easier at his job that she does at home with the kids. And I certainly hope she’s shared all of her frustrations with her husband, instead of just venting on her blog.
As a father, I appreciate the genuine effort made by some here to get away from the language of fathers “helping” mothers to raise their children. Fathers don’t “help” raise their children. Fathers raise their children. Some are good at it. Some are not. Just like mothers.
A related story: the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development published a study recently concluding that the care a child receives under child care is comparable to the care a child might expect to receive at home. The big story was that this should alleviate the worries parents have of putting their children in child care. But here’s the hitch: for the purposes of the study, “child care” was defined as care by anyone other than the child’s mother that was regularly scheduled for at least ten hours a week. This included care by fathers, grandparents and other relatives. Wow! So when my wife leaves for work in the morning and I’m at home with the kids doing the homeschooling, taking them to art lessons, music lessons, doctor appointments, field trips to historic sites and sundry other activities, making sure they do their chores and teaching them not to kill each other — in the governments eyes, the best I can claim to be providing my children is child care. How’s that for validation!
Hmm. To get back to the subject at hand . . . there are “gatekeeper” spouses. What surprises me most about Katie and Jon is that Katie has a bunch of experience with babies and yet Katie clearly is at absolute peace with Jon helping.
I dare say, in this imperfect world, some guys who might help out, but are unsure of what to do can get shut out of the process quick and early. It is then a crummy downward spiral for everyone. A dad gets a hint early on his opinion isn’t valued, and if he didn’t have much self confidence about it, before, it gives him an out.
In case, with both of our kids, particularly our first child, I was knee deep in everything. My wife had a long exhausting labor with our first child (she was up about 36 hours prior to the birth). I had been up roughly the same amount of time but wasn’t wracked with the exhaustion of labor. I was the one cleaning that sticky tar poop off my son’s backside for the first couple of days while my wife attempted to get some sleep.
In fact, I get mad when guys act like they can’t take care of kids. It’s not rocket science. In fact, I make a point of taking care of the kids so my wife can go out and have a break, so that if I ever want to go out she doesn’t begrudge a little time away because she knows I pull my weight.
(Although, and this is funny, at least to me, the kids are both like baby birds. I can ask “are you hungry? How about a snack, want some lunch” and the kids will tell me they don’t want anything. But then wifey walks in the front door. What do they instantly start doing? “We’re hungry!” Ha! I probably ought to learn my lesson and just make them eat something. It’s like after breastfeeding they both associate mom = food.)
I don’t even think that it’s a “breastfeeding” thing when kids associate their mothers with food. I didn’t breastfeed my kids and they all just always look to me to fulfill that need for food. I’ve always joked with my husband that they look at me as if I were not much more than a big, multi-tasking breast!
I was fortunate to spend a lot of time with Katie and Chris and Henry (and Jane, who was still fairly new at the time) when Henry and my daughter were very young. My husband, Bob, was our daughter’s primary caretaker. As I recall, Katie and Chris and my husband and I were all extremely attentive parents, and I believe our children still reap the benefits from that.
Reading this blog, I have been extremely impressed with the way that Katie’s husband has realized what an awesome responsibility fatherhood is, and I get a kick out of what a genuine kick he gets out of C. But he didn’t invent hands-on fatherhood, by any means. Sixteen years ago my own husband, carrying our daughter in an infant carrier and posting band flyers to telephone poles in the Old City, was asked by a passer-by, “Have you found the baby’s mother yet?”
Cheers, Tracy J (P.S. Katie/Betsy/Sue, Nancy is adorable, too.)
Huh. Some days it’s VERY hard being the stay-at-home parent of a baby (mine is now 9 months old, so not as much anymore) and I often feel tired and somewhat resentful when I’ve been on baby duty for 11 hours by the time my husband rolls in. Sure, he was at work, but he got to go out for lunch, use the bathroom when he wanted, talk with other adults, etc. On the other hand, I respect my husband’s ability to take care of us financially and appreciate that his job can be every bit as challenging and difficult as mine, albeit in different ways. We just have to remind ourselves that each of us is doing our best at a hard job, and we make adjustments daily so that neither of us feels like we’re doing an unfair amount. Personally, I struggle with the problem that one of the posters above identified — I feel bad asking my husband to work a “second shift,” but if he doesn’t share some of the housework and baby care duties, the second shift falls to me. That just shouldn’t happen every single day. Thankfully, it doesn’t (unless he’s traveling for work).
I have a question for you Emily…why can’t you use the bathroom when you want to? Are you afraid you will scar your child for life if you place them in the crib and let them wail for a few minutes while you take a dump? I have had two kids and quite honestly, when at home, I never had a problem going to the bathroom when I needed to (in fact, away from home, a small child having to go “right now” opens restrooms usually not available to the general public). On the other hand, I have had to suck it in at work before my shift supervisor authorized a bathroom break. I have been on the road with other jobs and had to suck it in until I got to a suitable place to go. I have been in important meetings and sucked it in so as not to interrupt something that is going well so that I could “go”. I worked in a hospital for awhile and believe me, there were many many days that you just don’t eat your whole shift (unless your idea of a good meal is the cupcakes that the nurses seem to have a need to constantly keep at arms reach) because there is always something pressing that you can’t leave. I have also been in college classes where you really just don’t get up and go unless you have some medical condition. You go before you get there. Staying at home was quite quite freeing if a tad bit boring. Maybe the first month or two was nervewracking but after that…nah…..babies are easy. It’s when they are between baby and old enough to self entertain and they expect you be the live in entertainment committee that it gets trying. Some moms get off on endless days of barbie playing. I was not one of them. Unless your child is disabled or you have more than you should in a small amount of time or you subscribe to the idea that you cannot allow your baby a few minutes of crying while you tend to your basic needs; staying home with a baby is like a vacation compared to work. And I was not a person who hated my job.
“Are you afraid you will scar your child for life if you place them in the crib and let them wail for a few minutes while you take a dump?” Wow, what a nasty response to what I thought was a pretty irrefutable point: Sometimes — not all the time — you have to wait a little bit to use the bathroom when you’re taking care of a very small baby. As you point out, there are plenty of situations where one finds oneself feeling a little uncomfortable because one can’t use the bathroom right away, for whatever reason. Why would you be a jerk about something as simple as that?
I don’t get this whole controversy.It seems that the working mothers are kind of disrespectful to the SAH mothers.Why?
Emily, its because you made out like SAH is SOOOO much more difficult because, among other reasons, you can’t go to the bathroom when you want. If, as you are now backtracking to say, there are moments working and baby caretaking, where you can’t go immediately, then why make that a big selling point as to why staying at home is so much of a big deal compared to working. I love working but sheesh…you don’t have to make yourself presentable, you can wear what you want, you don’t have to paste a smile on your face even if you are not in the mood..there ARE pluses to that ole maternity leave. Or are you such a martyr that you are dangling those three martini lunches up over the hubsters head as ammo to make him “do his share” with the baby????
Well all I can say is after being married a couple of time before I had kids that women would get more help if they would LET THE MAN DO IT HIS WAY.
I see friends going thru what I went thru a few times.
Men can do stuff if they had not been able to you would not have married them would you. Unless you married a guy who was still living with mom and dad and mom was still doing everything for him.
Men can do laundry, men will make mistake just like women do with laundry. Men can fold laundry, but men fold laundry thier way. Men will vaccum , but he does it his way.
In other words your husband is not you, he is not going to do things the way you do them. If you start an argurement everytime he goes to do stuff then he will quit doing anything.
A woman can actually run a man out of his own home to aviod arguements over laundry.
Well I for one would not allow my wife to run me out of my house and I would not argue either. I told her DO NOT DO MY LAUNDRY and DO NOT PUT IT AWAY AND DO NOT WASH MY DISHES AND COOK MY DINNER. She looked at me strange. I then told her she was only allowed to do my laundry if I was allowed to do hers. She was only allowed to fold and put my laundry away if I could do hers.
SHE GOT THE IDEAL and all arguements ended that day.
wow James, it sounds like your exes were pieces of work.
and Anonymous…I don’t think its so much that working moms have it in for SAH…I think its more that people get tired of hearing women bitch about how hard it is staying at home when it is not that hard unless their child has special needs or they pumped out more kiddos than they could take care of at once or their kid has an unusually difficult personality. I don’t know why this is: years ago there was a lot of hard manual labor that had to be done. And no people you could pay to come to your house to do it. And no take out to get if you didnt feel like cooking. Yet there was not this big move of people talking about how freakin hard being a housewife was. Boring yes. Hard, no. Is is that women who have had high powered careers have such a hard time transitioning to something so mundane that they make it harder than it is? That they justify to themselves the change they have made in their lives by pretending that it is a “career”? Is this why these women “attachment parent”..so they can now have a reason to say that watching a baby is such unbelievably hard work? Look, I am a history freak. I know how the pioneers and such lived. These women “stayed at home” Yet they sure as hell weren’t “parenting” all day. They were cooking, cleaning, gardening, hard hard manual labor all day long without a lot of nice electronics to make it go by fast. And they had a LOT of kids. Not much time for one on one. I am not advocating a return to this, but it is of note that only a small fraction of the days of these “stay at home” moms was devoted to child care. I do not imagine that if I had to do hard labor all day long that I would have much time to be bored. There really isn’t that much to do once you get into the groove of things after the first month or so. But here is the guy who worked hard at a job and his wife flings the baby at him and pretty much implies that whatever he has spent his day doing could not possibly have drained him as much as caring for a baby drained her so now he had better get busy. The claim was that this was about acknowledging that she is doing something important. Well..DUH..only an imbecile WOULDN”T think that taking care of one’s offspring is something to say “thank you” for. I also read between the lines on the original essay that the “woman is the expert” and the dad should acknowledge that and bow down to her way of doing things. Our friend James, above, I think has some experience with that. Now maybe a lot of modern men are just so pussy whipped by society that by the time they get married they get the drill that it is all about making peace with the wife. But I agree..a lot of guys get the idea that their wives think they are the amateur who better bow down to mom’s superior intellect in matters baby. I don’t know. But I am so sick of hearing women complain about how hard it is to stay at home and demanding everyone recognize this and shaming men who don’t “get with the program” You should see the hatefest at the blog that this essay originated at. It is amazing these women are married to loving men because they are ragging on them publically.eeech. It just makes my skin crawl. This is one reason that I hate what calls itself “feminism”…is that so much of it is rooted in shaming and manipulating men. So much is rooted in the assumption that until the woman “trains” him that he is gonna have it all wrong.
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To respond to the original post:
“Jon is completely and equally involved in his daughter’s care. This still surprises me sometimes. He laughs when I act surprised that he doesn’t want to hand the baby over when she fusses.”
Many women are surprised. I was one of those fathers. I just love babies and I wrote about my experiences here. I just don;t get the attitude that men and babies don;t go together