the high cost of being a middle class parent November 9, 2007
Some interesting observations from THIS BLOGGER TODAY on money struggles for her solidly professional class family.
I’ve been thinking about money a lot lately, and money priorities.
For many years, I was lucky enough to stay at home, as a work-at-home parent. Don’t misunderstand; I really worked, often more than 40 hours a week, but I did it on my own schedule and when a child was sick or needy, I could take a day off.
My divorce essentially wiped out all the wealth (a relative term!) I had accumulated in my entire adult life and left me starting completely over - without the safety net of a husband with a job, health insurance and a joint retirement account. It was a scary time, and without significant family help, I don’t know what I would have done. I had to find a “real” job, figure out childcare, find a new place to live, etc, etc, etc
I wrote about that experience IN THIS ESSAY.
Now I’m well on the other side of that watershed life experience, with a wonderful reconfigured family that includes my husband, and now, four children. (And we’d like to have one more.) I have a job I really enjoy, and I still freelance as a writer. We have a big, old house and we just bought a new car big enough to haul our large family around. In the last four years of working at a “real” job, I’ve started my own 401K for the first time.
Life is good…and expensive. After several years of worrying about money every single day, getting remarried and sticking with my job for a few years has made me less worried about the utility bill, but it’s easy to see how we could get sucked down a spending/debt hole. Buying the new car was a huge leap - I hate making a big car payment. And we both still have student loans. And this year, we discovered the hard way that my health insurance is terrible; in addition to the monthly premiums of about $300 a month, our out-of-pocket medical expenses (two minor surgical procedures in the family, c-section, maternity care, etc) will be around $6,000 (!!!!).
So what have I learned in the past few years of hardcore money reality? That I’d rather spend money on doing than on having.
Our 100 year old house needs a lot of work, and most of our furniture is vintage grad student-chic. Jon’s car is 13 years old, and we need a fence around the yard. But as tempting as it would be to handle all of this via consumer debt, I want to avoid it at all costs. I already feel beholden to The Man with the mortgage and the car; I don’t want to owe anybody money for a nicer couch. I’d rather spend that money on a good meal at our favorite restaurant, concert tickets, or riding lessons for my daughter.
I’ve also learned, however, that earning a good living is important. I wish I had made earning money a bigger priority when I was planning out my career path (quitting law school two years in and 30K in student debt probably wasn’t a very good choice); I am playing major catch up now. I intend to explain to my children that it’s important to enjoy what they do to earn money - very important - but they also need to be realistic about what kind of money they will need to earn to compose the lives they want.
And they — particularly my daighters - should never, ever depend on anyone else to take care of them. I know that I never will again.
YES YES YES! I’ve been thinking the same exact thing, and I wish my parents and I had talked about it. I’m not doing anything remotely related to what I studied in school and even if I was, I wouldn’t be making any money. Even though I don’t have any kids or a divorce under my belt, its been really hard being a single person, buying a house, paying that utility bill, etc. by myself with a crappy income. I wish I had thought more about what life I expected to live would cost and not immediately assumed there’d be two incomes (which, embarrassingly, I did). And don’t get me started about my medical insurance, it just got drastically worse!
I love mommy issues (such as getting ahead, fiddling the childcare, and planning for the kids college) just as much as the next mum, but, hey, isn’t the whole economy melting down around us as we chat? I’m worried about the 401k that I do have. Here’s an interesting blog by an IMF guy:
http://www.rgemonitor.com/blog/roubini/225427
If your insurance is classified as “high deductible,” then you could open a health savings account. At least you’d get a tax deduction.
I feel you. I wish I would have been a little less frivolous with my money in my 20s & 30s (like the time I bought a ’round’ for the entire bar on vacation in Key West, granted it was only about 15 people but on a teacher’s salary? Really, what was I thinking). I also wish I would have pursued an advanced degree in applied science (engineering, medicine, etc) instead of biology but oh well. We did save 10K so I could ’stay home’ (ha! I am teaching 4 classes currently) this year and possibly next. I will go back into the public school classroom (instead of pursuing environmental ed or private school teaching which might be more interesting intellectually) because I want to build my maximum retirement and for me that is the best option. I, too, would rather ‘do’ than ‘have’ (why I love craigslist).
I can relate to this, maybe in reverse, because I frittered away my pre child years waiting tables, bartending and doing nothing. Now, at the age of 47, I want to go to law school but the realities of two kiddos and a marriage that I am not willing to neglect into oblivion is scrapping that for the time being. Because at least most of the law schools in close proximity to moi do not allow one to go part time, at least not for the first year and even then, what they consider part time isn’t what I consider part time. I know a lot of moms who achieved their educational goals but it usually took a lot longer than for a person with no other time consuming commitments in their lives. NOt to whine; thats just reality. Not to mention, as you know, the high cost of law school and the fact that what I want to do with my law degree isn’t exactly going to rake in the bucks. There are scholarships, but not everyone gets one and if it is too specific, then you are boxed in. I am spending some time now wishing that instead of chasing down dumb unworkable ideas when i was younger that I had gone to law school (it never even occured to me then) when I had no other responsibilities and then I would be in a nice position to work part time out of my home . All this said, something about the way this started out made me just stiffen. I know a lot of “working poor” who are literally living hand to mouth, many because of their own bad choices. They do not have well off relatives who would open their wallets if homelessness became imminent. They do not have well off ex husbands willing to pay into their kids well beings. They are going to food banks, living in government subsidized housing with low life tweaker neighbors that they are genuinely quite nervous about. I have to say, that seeing people like this really makes me shut my mouth right up when i start bitching to myself about reserving my new clothing purchases to the sale rack for awhile or curtailing any more meals at restaurants for the rest of the month. The standard of living that you and I and most likely most of the posters on this board have is remarkable compared to how most of the world lives. Like you, I am a horse person. But it ain’t in the budget. And probably never will be. Is this the end of the world? Is this worth whining about when there are people who are seriously ill who are debating about whether they should buy food for their families or pay off the doctor bills? I am truly not trying to be difficult here, but the money woes talked about here really are nothing in comparison. We live in a culture where we want what we want and we want it now. I do truly believe that if you “do what you love” money will follow. In my years waiting tables and bartending etc I met many many many people who had “”downsized” out of jobs they hated but took because their parents had advised them to because of financial security. There are also, as I am sure you know, lots and lots of lawyers stuck in law firm jobs they hate because they have to pay off the student loans. Hence some schools having scholarships for those (such as myself) who would really really like to just help out people who have a need without feeling they have to sell their souls to pay off student loans. But that really still is not enough to go around. I also don’t feel that it is the governments job to babysit us all but I do feel that it is the responsibility of those who have to care for those who don’t. A lot of times, it is just pure chance that is the reason yours and my bad choices mean a few more meals at home and a few less clothes and that someone elses same bad choices have put them in a homeless shelter and got their kids taken from them by CPS. Really (and not to be preachy here) as a follower of Christ, I think that God does address materialism quite nicely.
This is Katie’s blog, so it doesn’t really make sense to tell her what to talk about and not talk about.
[...] here in Tennessee, four-timer parent Katie Allison Granju also weighs in on the issue. Life is good…and expensive. After several years of worrying about money every single day, getting [...]
I agree completely on the teaching my daughter to love what she does, but also to pay some consideration to what this love will pay her and never to get in a situation where she cannot support herself if needed. I also enjoy spending money more on doing than having. It’s why we take fun trips yet currently own only one car and our entertainment center is a pressed wood put-together!
Explaining the importance of choosing a career path that will provide the lifestyle that our kids imagine for themselves is probably a really good idea, but I won’t be too surprised if they don’t hear what we are saying!
I have known many many people who selected a career for money and regretted it later. I firmly believe that if you do what you love the money will follow. To be fair, I also know of people who are in their forties and still hoping to be discovered as a rock star. I think there is a middle ground of finding what you love and finding a way to make it pay instead of being totally oblivious to money. And what of the child who wants to be a teacher or a social worker or some other notoriously low paying yet valuable to society job? Do you want to just tell them to focus on the money? I had a roommate in college who was a hotel restaurant management major because her dad was very focused on her making a good living. Her father was absolutely livid when she discovered her calling her junior year as a special ed teacher. Money isn’t everything.
For me, experiences have almost always trumpe having stuff. Now that I’m older, married to a man who loves to shop and have more stuff, it seems I have to work harder to have experiences.
Your unexpected medical expenses suck! I don’t believe we paid anything out of pocket for my c-section, and our insurance runs around the same cost per month. What a bummer….
At what age do the parents among you think kids should be exposed to the realities of the family’s budget and responsibilities?
I read in a Stephen Covey book that he and his wife had family meetings about chores and all the other things that had to be done, including pay bills, and included the older kids on detailed money discussions. This helped the kids realize how much their parents did for them that was invisible before, and also helped the kids take pride in all the things they could do to help run the house. The older kids also got the real picture of what rent/mortgage, utilities, groceries, everything else really cost compared to what the parents made.
I remember getting an allowance for little goodies from the time I was about 8, but when it ran out, it was out and no more candy for the week. It was a big lesson.
I think if they are old enough to walk into a store and buy something then they are old enough to learn where the money they are spending has come from.
That requires Chapter Two for attachment parenting. Letting go. And being prepared to take care of one’s self.
I read your essay on your daughter-beautiful by the way…
anyway…I have a student who was born with CMV…unfortunately she does have complications…deafness,mild cerebral palsy, and mental retardation
but one of my staff recently found out she is pregnant…doctors seem to be clueless about CMV…should I tell her to be tested for the antibody…she I have her transferred to another group of students so she doesn’t work with this child?
any advice? e-mail to let me know jkilpat1@utk.edu