babies, babies, babies December 14, 2007
As I’ve mentioned before, Jon and I are wrangling with whne would be the best time to have another (our last) bambino. I am 40 years old, so time’s a-wastin’. And I’d like the three oldest kiddos to have as much time as possible with baby siblings before they are all grown and out of the house… J. and E. in particular are so sweet and wonderful with their baby sister. It’s a joy to watch. And if we don’t have another baby, C. would eventually be a faux “only” since the other kids are 9, 12 and 16 years older than she is…
But it’s a tricky thing to figure out, mainly because of childcare issues. Could Jon take TWO babies to work even one day a week? Would his mother want to help even more than she does for a few years until preschool age? And what’s the ideal spacing, given my age? And I’d eventually like to get back to my fighting weight/size…
Sounds like BABY DADDY IS WRESTLING WITH PRETTY MUCH THE SAME QUESTIONS (well, except for the three much-older siblings part).
You know, as the mother of four children, all born at very different times/stages of my life, each under fairly different circumstances, I can say one thing with certainty: there is never a perfect time to have a baby. There will always be pros and cons to every timing decision.
And then there’s always the option to not have another one at all…
I say go for it soon! You both want another baby, so why wait?
The whole age/ child-care thing is a big part of why we only have one child. I am 41. She is 3 1/2 now. We both work full-time and like you my MIL has provided lots of childcare. The fact that I am older and the fact that I’m not sure she’d be able/ willing to give us this gift of childcare is a huge part of why we’ve decided to have only one child. If we could afford for me to stay home, even at my age, I’d totally have had another!
I’d also be concerned with stress on your c-section scar. I don’t know that there is a set time to wait but I’ve heard a year.
I say go for it if its what you both want. The c-section scar could be a factor, might wanna do research on that. But you obviously love being a mother so go for it.
I have researched the whole scar issue and basically all the healing that is ever gonna happen happens in 6 months pp. I agree, go for it!
As a “faux” only, I say go for it and have another. I love my older siblings (12, 16, 17, and 19 years older than me) and we have great relationships, but I wish I had one my own age, too.
I have heard it takes your body 18 months to be fully recovered. It would be interesting to see what your doctor advises. I never thought we could afford more than one child but you find a way to do it. Our first child was in daycare at 6 months at that time I didn;t think we could live on one income. Then we had a second and at 3.5 months I cannot imagine putting herin daycare,asmy husband said I would rather sell everything and live in an apt. Maybe this is partly because she is small and a girl but maybe because its our last. If you can manage, having a second would be great for Jon and C and of course you!
Teddy and Jake were 12 months apart, so my scar (second c-section) had only three months to heal, and there was no problem.
I say go for it now. We are having similar discussions here, mostly due to finances and weight concerns, but I’m also 40 and I personally think that your age–and the possibility of waning fertility–tip the scales in favor of haste. You’ll work something out with the childcare when the time comes.
My bias is towards small families. I think it is better for a marriage and the children.
You do need to consider carefully all the things you mentioned (they are very mature appropriate considerations that need addressing before bringing another child into the family). Especially the long term strain on your finances, consider that you have one child on the cusp of entering college and the children you already have are still young and continue to need assorted emotional and financial resources from you. Plus the stress you’re already experiencing trying to juggle life with the children you have. Do you have the ability to let go of having another child? Could you be happy and feel blessed with what you have and focus on them instead of longing for more?
I think that most people are happier with a smaller family. I actually think most people would probably be happiest with no kids.
I’m an outlier. Jon is too. We both like the hustle and bustle of a big family.
We would definitely stop at 4 if there weren’t sucha giant age gap between C and her siblings. I really don’t want C. to grow up without other kids in the house for much/most of her childhood.
But Dewi is correct that there are legitimate logistical concerns that must be carefully weighed.
As for stress, I think I am actually more stressed when the three older kids are gone to their father’s than I am when all 4 are at home
I just miss them.
Have you envisioned how life might be with 2 teens at 54 while being in the throes of menopause or about being in your 60’s still paying college tuition? Big decisions here.I give your MIL kuddos for lovingly caring for C, but watching a toddler and an infant is alot to ask (most 30-something’s find it difficult.)As far as Jon having two babies in an office environment,from what I’ve seen, I’m sure that he could handle it but do you really think that his clients would appreciate knowing their accountant was regularly sitting for two babies while working on their finances? I think the childcare situation might have to change if you were to decide on another bambino.
I have a ‘faux’ only: My children are 25, 23, 19, 17, and 7 and I have always regretted that I didn’t have another right away after the last one. She is a lonely only and needs a lot more attention from me than the others did when they were little because they had each other. They had built in playmates, but for her we have to shuttle back and forth for playdates. My advice is to go ahead and have another - it is actually easier to have 2 close in age than one, in my experience. My husband and I get tired of having to play My Little Pony, etc. all the time - especially at our age!
C having some to play with should not factor into your decision to have another child. She has a cousin that is the same age it’s likely they will play together frequently. I also assume you will send her to school and she will make friends there. I know people that are actual only children and they turned out fine-including my son granted he is only 7 but so far so good.
Absolutely! I know lots of wonderful only children. It can be a great choice for many people. Plus, she does have a same-age cousin to play with (along with many other cousins).
A lonely child can sometimes be the fault of parents not facilitating their child’s social situations. It can also be a childs temperament no matter the family size. Having siblings does not make a child less lonely, many children hate their siblings and constantly fight.
I have an only child and she was never lonely, we encouraged her to have a full social life with many friends, and we were able to afford for her to pursue hobbies and interests, and she played and read on her own. She invited her friends to our house all the time and out to restaurants and Broadway shows and on vacation. We always had money for the extras, her friends parents who had big families really appreciated our generosity because they did not do the things our family was able to afford. My daughter loved to include her best friend in all the stuff we did. She formed very tight bonds with her childhood friends and remains friends with them, some of the relationships with friends have become sibling like (they fight a lot and still are friends).
True, it is nice to be able to spend money on your child and your child’s friends, but it doesn’t mean much in the big picture, and sibling relationships are much stronger than non-blood relationships. My 2 sons that grew up 2 years apart have always done everything together and they have remained close to this day. They share a history together and you can’t manufacture that with someone else’s child, no matter how hard you force it.
My brother is 7 years older than me and we are very close. It would be hard to predict who C will be close to. I really wanted three kids, but we just couldn’t do it for a variety of reasons. It was a painful decision and I really mourned not being able to have that last baby. But I still think it was the best and right decision. If I were you I would just investigate the daycare situation and see if you could figure that out before going for it.
Em
It is not manufacturing a history to include other people in a child’s life. I was commenting on the backwards view that children are lonely because they do not have siblings. For some women it is a serious enough conflict between raising larger families and not being able to parent and breastfeed as you philosophically believe because you have to work out of the home full time.
dewi.
Oops, sorry, didn’t mean to offend… I am just working on the assumption that katie allison has the option of staying at home with baby if she wishes.
I was an only child and it sucked. A lot of it, in retrospect, was the fam..and that would have sucked no matter HOW big it was. Probably more. More opportunities for sick interactions between sick people. A lot of what sucked however, was peoples assumptions, (often said right to my face) about how substandard they expected onlies to be. I let other people walk over me for years just to “prove” that oh, no, I wasn’t some spoiled materialistic only child. As an adult, I put my family through hell trying to have a second kid. I am glad of it because I love my son but I can see now how irrational I was being. plenty of onlies are just great and some of the most screwed up kids I know came from big families because no one ever got enough of mom and dad and/or they were counted on as an extra set of parents to raise the babies their parents no longer had the energy for. i would not base having another kid on what you think is best for C. These things can backfire. What if you had twins? and they not only consumed a lot of energy away from C but bonded tight to each other and not that much to C? that would be worse: a sibling bond so near and yet so far. And Dewi is right: some sibs just don’t click. I have talked to a LOT of people who grew up in families with a big age spread where it turned out they were closest to the sibs they were furthest apart in age and had little to do with one that was almost the same age as them> YOu cannot control how these things will play out. Do NOT use an anticipated relationship between sibs as a reason to have another. Thats one of the worst.
Really? You’re going to do it again??? I’m pregnant with my second and we’re sure that this is it. Pregnancy is just too hard for me. Plus…I’m the youngest of six and I just couldn’t help but feel like an afterthought. It was pretty clear during my adolescense that my parents were sick of raising kids.
Whew! What a variety of opinions, huh? Guess you’d just better decide whether YOU want another baby, NOT whether your youngest needs a sibling… Good luck with that one.
Em,
That’s not always true that sibling bonds are “much stronger” than non-blood relationships. I know plenty of sibling relationships where the siblings are much closer to their friends or cousins. My dad has 10 siblings and he rarely speaks to any of them. He doesn’t even know where some of his siblings live, and my mother had a sister who was very jealous of her, and competed with friends and other relatives so she could be favored over my mother. I know a lady that has 3 siblings and neither raised a hand to help her take care of their ailing mother. Fortunately, she had help from her husband, best friend, and mother-in-law, since her siblings were worthless. This happens a lot with siblings not being supportive of another sibling, or their own mother, for that matter. Plus, adopted siblings’ relationships can be just as strong as blood siblings. In my opinion, blood-siblings are a bit overrated. Many don’t even like each other, just tolerate each other, or are jealous of the other. Friends and cousins can be just as close as siblings. Also, there is nothing wrong with a family having one child and being able to give that one child the best in life. Obviously, having less children means having more money.