An acceptable and particularly mean cultural prejudice January 10, 2008
Denver mothers who are enrolled in high school are asking for a modest four weeks of approved maternity leave from classes, and all hell is breaking loose over their request. The topic has bloggers and pundits buzzing, with most folks nastily wagging their fingers at the idea that “teen mothers” should get a few weeks to rest their bodies and bond with their babies after giving birth. After all, the reasoning goes, if we “reward” teenage moms with four weeks of no homework, it will surely encourage more 16 year old girls to get knocked up.
Are they NUTS?
First of all, it’s only humane that any woman, of any age, who has just given birth should get a few weeks to physically recover from birth. And the idea that four weeks at home with a newborn baby is some kind of incentive for any teenage girl to get pregnant is just… well…
I wrote an essay about this topic a while back for Metro Pulse. It pretty much encapsulates my thoughts on the topic of teenage motherhood, so I’ll copy it here rather than repeating myself.
IN DEFENSE OF THE PREGNANT PROM QUEEN
by Katie Allison Granju
A few months ago I read an article about a high school in Florida that included a section in its yearbook featuring the students at the school who are also parents. Controversy erupted as many in the community objected vociferously to this supposed glorification of “teen pregnancy.”
I, on the other hand, found it a nice way to honor the accomplishments of this high school’s student-parents. As anyone who has attended school of any kind while a parent will tell you, parenting as a student is damned hard work. I know because I had my first baby while in college and my second baby while in grad school. Juggling baby, bills, and books was mind-numbingly difficult, even with significant family help. So I feel confident in suggesting that the young women who are mothers and students at that high school are pulling off something far more challenging—and certainly more important—than the girls on the cheerleading squad.
Additionally, I worked for two years in the early ’90s as a counselor in a Knoxville-area residential facility for teenagers in foster care and their babies. It was and is a unique program that allows these young mothers to remain with their own children rather than separating them by sending the mother and her child to two separate foster homes. I watched these young women bond with and care for their babies, and I observed the way they were treated with utter disdain by many teachers, employers, and the community at large. That experience opened my eyes to the fact that modern American attitudes toward mothers under the age of 20 constitute a particularly nasty but acceptable cultural prejudice.
Why is a 17-year-old woman with a baby automatically seen as some kind of social disease, but a 22-year-old mother is not? These are not “teen mothers,” any more than African American women are “black mothers” or women who work full time are “day care mothers.” They are just mothers, like all the rest of us; giving birth to and trying to raise our children as well as we can. Imagine the outcry if the media began referring to the many 45-year-old women who spend tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments, only to end up paying a much younger woman to actually provide a viable uterus or eggs, as “vanity mothers,” or “elderly mothers,” or “crone mothers.” I don’t think this would go over too well.
While there are certain parenting practices that are acknowledged as universally harmful to children, such as physical or emotional abuse, or neglect, the converse is not necessarily true. There are many ways to be a good mother, or as Bruno Bettelheim put it, “a good enough mother.” By most people’s standards, I was in no way fit or ready to be a mother on that day in 1991 when my baby was placed in my arms for the first time. We were too young, we were too poor, we hadn’t completed our education, our relationship was brand new and pretty unstable…. But because my son’s father and I were lucky enough to be surrounded by people who both offered support and believed in our abilities as parents, we were able to rise to the challenge.
Most teenage girls who become pregnant did not intend to do so. According to a review of American teen pregnancy statistics from the journal Family Planning Perspectives, a large percentage of the fathers of babies born to teenagers are men over the age of 20. Many have exerted some sort of coercion or control over the mothers in question. And many teenage mothers find that parenthood makes pursuing their goals of higher education or career growth extremely difficult.
The answers to these important issues are to not condemn and stigmatize mothers who are teens, but instead to work toward a society where every woman, young and old, has access to health education and health care, as well as the confidence and right to control her own body. And our schools must accommodate the fact that some students are parents, and offer the same flexibility that mothers who work have begun demanding of employers in recent years. Parenthood shouldn’t automatically signal an end to educational opportunities for young women.
There is nothing inherently shameful about young motherhood. It isn’t a dirty secret of some kind. We should resist our cultural inclination to turn mothers who are teenagers into pariahs. Age alone does not define a woman’s ability to nurture and guide her child.
Copyright Katie Allison Granju - All Rights Reserved
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Now, having said this, I certainly hope that all my children - my two sons and my two daughters - wait until they are well beyond teenagehood to have babies. And if any of them became parents as teenagers, I would be worried and upset and cpncerned about them, just as any mother would. But I wouldn’t consider it the end of the world and I wouldn’t try to punish them by making pregnancy and parenting as difficult as possible for them. Instead, I’d try to support and guide them so they could be the best parents they could be, and still complete their educations and maybe even have some fun once in a while.
Teenage parents are people too, you know.
Because I think that premarital sex is wrong, but that abortion is worse, the way teen mothers are treated by many who claim to believe the same infuriates me. As you know, my daughter attends a Catholic high school, as I did. I’m not naive enough to believe that all those kids are virgins, but pregnancy seems to be vanishingly rare. If a girl did turn up pregnant, that would mean she had chosen to do the right thing, and that choice should be celebrated, and she should be supported. I wrote a column about this very thing. If the people who are against abortion (and I bet a lot of the people who are down on teen mothers would say that they are) really believe what they say, then a pregnant girl is the same thing as a girl holding a newborn baby, and that new life, once conceived, should be a source of joy.
Allison Crews wrote a great essay, “When I Was Garbage” that is included in the “Breeder: Real Life Stories from the Generation of Mothers” anthology. She talks about only being allowed to use the bathroom for 15 minutes twice a day as a pregnant high schooler. Her beautifully written piece, and later when I met her at the Hip Mama gathering, completely changed my attitude about the realities of teen pregnancy and motherhood. I also just saw “Juno” last weekend which I absolutely loved! This great film also explores young women making powerful and very mature choices regarding motherhood. Not to mention the controversy surrounding Fantasia’s song, “Baby Mama”.
Katie, I applaud you for offering insight into such a controversial topic. My own prejudices have been challenged.
I am proud to say I was the first person to publish Allison Crews’ work - at MomsOnline.com when it was part of the Oxygen network and I was a producer there. I am pretty sure I published that essay in its nascent form
the public high school in my hometown had a nursery in the school for teen parents-that was mid-80’s and of course it was one of the first programs cut as federal money dried up.
Do I want my child to be a parent when he is a teenager? no of course not but these things do happen and the more we help these kids help themselves the better life they can provide for themselves & their own children
4 weeks is concidered a reward? How absolutely infurriating! Your article is spot on.
I was a teen mom and our school system in southern TN gave us between 4 and 6 weeks of home schooling to allow us to adjust before heading back to school. It wasn’t intensive and kept us up to date, usually 3 days a week for 2 or 3 hours a day. I think this is a nice in between - the mothers don’t get behind and they also don’t get even more stressed.
I feel so bad for teen Mothers. How they do it, I just don’t know. To be a new Mother is isolating in it’s self but to have the majority of your peers childless and with different priorities than you would would make it some much harder. If they are “children” and we are “adults” shouldn’t we be supporting and mentoring these Mothers?
When I was teaching high school in a low SES school we had lots of teen pregnancy. The moms-to-be were all put on homebound and given extensive time to bond with their newborns (I always remarked it is too bad that teachers were not given the same leniency!). I agree with some of your opinion but there was really no stigma against teen pregnancy at my school. In fact, the young moms were often viewed in envy by their peers. The mothers of the pregnant girls seemed thrilled to have a baby to raise (since it was a cycle their babies were often raised by grandmom). I wish that we had a better program for these girls. I think by the time they are showing they should be removed from the general population and put into a special program designed to focus on parenting skills, prenatal care, graduating from high school, plans after high school, etc. Also, once they return to the classroom I think a program where their children are being cared for on-campus is appropriate (this program used to exist in Knox County but is being phased out–how wonderful to have on-site daycare for students and teachers!!) which would allow for their involvement in the caretaking of their babies and of course breastfeeding. What I saw happen is the girls had their babies, stayed home a semester or so and then came back and resumed their lives as if nothing had happened! They did not miss games or parties as mom and grandmom were watching their babies and thus many of them even had a second in high school. I do agree that just because you have a baby young does not mean that you won’t be a good parent but I think options are more limited (the graduation rate from college for a single mom is statistically very low) and it often a struggle.
Interesting topic. I’m not sure if I completely agree with your perspective on the yearbook issue, but you are inspiring some thought for me too.
Regarding this part of your article….
“Juggling baby, bills, and books was mind-numbingly difficult, even with significant family help. So I feel confident in suggesting that the young women who are mothers and students at that high school are pulling off something far more challenging—and certainly more important—than the girls on the cheerleading squad.”…
Yes, that would be unbelievable difficult. I can’t even imagine, and hats off to you for pulling it off (a bit later, but still young) with success.
BUT, how many teen mothers are really paying their own bills and supporting themselves and their child by themselves? From my observation, their own parents usually end up taking on a huge amount of the childcare, and the teen mother and baby usually remain living with the parent. When I was in high school the teen moms I know were still able to go on with lives normally to some degree…dating, partying, studying, because their parents were doing so much of the childrearing.
dori - i saw all ranges in my friends:
Me - mom said my daughter was mine to raise and raise her I did - but I did live at home for the first 3 years and they did babysit while I was in school/college and working
Another friend - her parents adopted her daughter and raised it as her sister
Another friend - her mom pretty much raised it and she partied hard til her 4th year of college when she left home and took the child with her - big change for her, but they adjusted
Another friend - had 2 kids lived on her own held a full time job and went to college - she struggled
I honestly think that the way my parents did it was best - I wasn’t cut free from my responsibility and it wasn’t easy but they helped out so that I could go to college and wouldn’t continue to struggle throughout life
I worked at a very similar sounding residential facility in Knoxville as well. I completely agree with you. I don’t see how we are rewarding teen moms by enabling them and their children to have a better life.
Katie,
Interesting perspective, and many young women who choose to parent children after unplanned pregnancies are courageous, but I’m concerned with normalizing or de-stigmatizing this incredibly poor choice of sex outside of marriage.
There are other options to attempting to raise a child when you will have to severely depend on others to do so. I’m not sure that facilitating/normalizing this decision at all costs is wise, frankly.
“I’m concerned with normalizing or de-stigmatizing this incredibly poor choice of sex outside of marriage.
There are other options to attempting to raise a child when you will have to severely depend on others to do so. I’m not sure that facilitating/normalizing this decision at all costs is wise, frankly.”
The thing is, though, that this isn’t about de-stigmatizing premarital sex. There are lots of kids having sex who are not having babies–what are you going to do about them? This is about punishing a small sub-segment: those who get pregnant and don’t have abortions. What are we teaching if the ones who take some responsibility for their choice to have sex are the only ones who are punished or stigmatized?
I understand your point, Leslie, but I think that we shouldn’t downplay (for teens) the gravity of the consequences of pre-marital sex. Providing special accommodations for teen, unwed mothers or allowing such stuff to become “normal” or “acceptable” sends the wrong message to teenagers. Indeed, it is rarely the teen who is bearing the burdensome consequences of the decision to keep a baby.
And while I am vehemently opposed to abortion, I’m not sure that pooh-poohing disfavor for pre-marital sex or teen motherhood will result in less pre-marital sex or less teen pregnancy. See what I mean?
And, as I wrote over at MCB (the link to Katie’s post), I can’t see that giving birth, becoming a parent, and missing four weeks of school is consistent with an expectation that a teenager can just press on with her studies or stay on track to graduate “on time.”
I thought on this for a few days. Didn’t want to be a big meanie. I am glad to see others think as I do about the enabling thing. The more we have done to make life easier for teen mothers, the more teen mothers we have. It is so normal it boggles my mind. I looked at the births in our local paper recently. Only a fourth…a FOURTH…were to married couples. The rest were unmarried. I don’t know their ages…but teen or no…this is the new norm. Mom has babies with whatever partner she has at the time. If she gets married somewhere along the line…fine. If not, doesn’t matter. This is changing the face of society whether people want to admit it or not. No one wants to be cruel to someone who has screwed up…but the other side of it is that actions have consequences.There is a reason that babies need TWO parents to come into being, instead of women reproducing by parthenogenesis (google it). I would add: as for the funding: where is the money coming from ? If they don’t cut the funds to the facilities for these girls, then who will get shortchanged? Gifted and talented? Music? Art? Since it is highly unlikely that some new funds will spring up “just” for the teen moms, what will happen is that kids who make wise decisions will have funds cut for programs that will benefit them to make available funds for these girls who made wrong decisions. Both sides of the abortion debate have contributed. No one wants to call out of wedlock sex what it is: something bad for our society. Pro choice people make out like if we don’t have abortions available then women will go out and get illegal ones and die etc etc etc. Excuse me…but lets follow this reasoning here: if “I” get myself into a jam, then if society doesn’t pony up a legal way to make the consequences of my bad actions easier to deal with, then it is THEIR fault if I choose to turn the first wrong into another wrong???? if I choose not to get an education and make a decent living and am hungry is it “society’s fault” if I become a thief instead of trying to figure out a moral way to right my wrongs? As for pro lifers…Leslie is a perfect example: it is so all about “saving the babies” that it really doesn’t matter what kind of life those babies live and what the proliferation of never married and very young unskilled mothers are doing to society. not to mention that adoption has ceased to be about meeting the needs of needy children and about providing babies for the needs of the adoptive parents. If abstinence educators would save their breath about how your marriage will be horrible if you are not a virgin (most people know a lot of examples that can contradict this), stop coming up with dubious psychological theories about what it does to women, stop grossly exaggerating rare consequences of various STDs and instead focus on the fact that if your birth control fails (which somewhere along the line it is likely to: just ask how many married couples have an “oops” baby somewhere in there) any of the three options you have is going to suck one way or another. If instead of trying to scare these kids they would instead focus on how unbelievably selfish it is to any kids accidentally concieved, perhaps it might get through. Instead of JUST talking about abortion being murder, they need to also talk about how hard it is being a teen mom and instead of adoption as a big happy face option they need to make known that post adoptive women also go through the same thing emotionally as post abortive women…many times a lot worse. But because they have done the “right” thing they aren’t supposed to be depressed. The TRULY life honoring choice is not avoiding abortion, it is avoiding bringing children into the world when you do not have the type of relationship that was designed to be optimal to raising them. Yes, stuff happens, people die, nice husbands turn out to be heels who abandon their families, women get raped and incested, but you know..if people committed to God honoring sexual behavior, then maybe these exceptions would be seen as the true down on their luck cases they are and decent people will feel good about helping them. Instead of nice decent citizens getting sick and tired of their tax money being used to enable immoral behavior that these people willfully engage in because they know that if something happens then it really won’t be all that bad.
Actually the birth rate for teens has gone down in recent years. You can see that here–www.teenpregnancy.org. It has dropped 36 percent from 1990 to 2002.
I just don’t believe that a “mistake” someone makes at say 15 should determine how their entire life goes and really their child’s entire life as well. And rasing a baby as a teen is going to be difficult no matter what. All the special programs and extra help are not going to make it easy at all. I am not going to debate what keeps a teen from getting pregnant(abstinence education vs birth control education), but I strongly believe resources should be allocated to help a teenager if they become pregnant.
to be honest I think the most mature thing these girls can do is give the baby up for adoption. However, having sex without thinking about the consequences already shows a rather self centered attitude. Deciding to keep a baby you can barely raise and expect the world to alter itself and take from responsible citizens to help you shows yet more of the same. This is no doubt why, now that the stigma is removed, that there is far far more baby keeping than adoption. It is very wrong to manipulate anyone to do anything and it will come back to bite you in the butt later if you do, but I can totally understand WHY someone would want to talk a teenager into giving her baby to a stable, mature family. Unfortunately, if you don’t want nasty consequences like reunions which basically turn the adoptive parents into long term babysitters, you have to let these girls decide themselves. I am not sure that the answer is so much “values free sex ed” as it is cutting out the scare tactics and just being honest with these kids about how unfair it is to the kids they may accidentally concieve to have sex without being in the appropriate relationship to raise those kids. No one in their right mind would deliberately get pregnant planning to give the baby up for adoption…it is a VERY painful choice although I do think it is the best solution in the vast majority of these cases. But the girl has to be willing to do it without being coerced. And most of these girls just do not have the selflessness and willingness to endure pain for the sake of someone else. Or they would have shelved those urges out of regard for other people in the first place. It just tweaks me no end when people say that encouraging abstinence is “anti sex”…sex produces babies. Babies that turn into kids that deserve to have a stable home life. Thats the way it is. Complain to the creator if you don’t like it. I truly think the focus in abstinence only ed is all wrong. But the “comprehensive” stuff I think really gives the message to kids that you don’t think they are capable of controlling themselves AND that the consequences are not really all that terrible because you can either have an abortion or we’ll all pitch in and help you raise your baby if you get preg. To say that girls “always got pregnant” is such a disservice. Yes, they did, but no where near as many as do now. And I believe a knowledge that being preg out of wedlock was not a small matter DID restrain an awful lot of people. I don’t particularly think that shaming people the way they used to is the answer, many of them had their lives ruined by deception and lies. HOWEVER, somehow there needs to be some creative solutions that acknowledge that a few people here and there will screw up and help them, TRULY help them get on with their lives while at the same time not continuing to perpetuate the lie that pregnancy without a husband is just no big deal at all. I think a good place to start would be to stop all the happy talk about adoption and be honest about the consequences of that to both the birthmother and the child and at the same time be honest that abortion has its own consequences, health, mental health and otherwise and finally to be honest about teen motherhood and how it is cheating both the child and the mother as well as the rest of society that has to pay for other peoples irresponsibility. I think given that whole context, instead of just saying bad bad bad and telling girls that their future marriage will suck if they have premarital sex(it probably won’t) or that they will prob become infertile from STDs (a possibility but not a likely one), that a lot of kids might take this to heart if we tell them the truth. Ideas anyone?
Ned, I don’t think I disagree with any of your points. I don’t think we should downplay the consequences of premarital sex, either–but pregnancy happens to be only one of many consequences, albeit the most visible. I don’t think it’s fair that young mothers should be singled out for stigma and punishment; for so many reasons, most people just don’t think in terms of sex equalling babies any more, so that when we stigmatize unwed mothers it begins to come across more like we are stigmatizing choosing to give birth rather than the choice to have sex in the first place. I hope that’s making sense. I read an op-ed piece on the Jamie Lynn Spears saga the other day in which the author opined that Jamie Lynn’s mom should have made sure she used birth control, or helped her to quietly end the pregnancy. The author was not outraged that Jamie Lynn had sex at 16, only that she was going to set a bad example by being a teen mother.
I don’t think we should make teen motherhood seem normal or acceptable necessarily, but I also think that the fact of having the responsibility for another person for the rest of your life is pretty sobering in and of itself, and a little support would be nice. I probably don’t think there should be a yearbook page devoted to it, though.
“And while I am vehemently opposed to abortion, I’m not sure that pooh-poohing disfavor for pre-marital sex or teen motherhood will result in less pre-marital sex or less teen pregnancy. See what I mean?” I don’t think it will result in less, but neither do I think it will result in more. I really don’t think girls decide to have sex because one of their friends has a cute little baby.
And, Leigh, you say: “As for pro lifers…Leslie is a perfect example: it is so all about “saving the babies” that it really doesn’t matter what kind of life those babies live and what the proliferation of never married and very young unskilled mothers are doing to society.” I don’t see how I am a perfect example of anything you said, since the only possible conclusion you could have drawn about my beliefs from my post is that I’m against abortion.
what I really should have said was that a STATEMENT you made was the perfect example. Because so often I have heard pro life activist type people say that part of the way to end abortion is to make keeping the baby more attractive (or adoption more attractive) But this makes the abortion rather than the need for abortion in the first place to be the problem. The message one easily gets is that if no babies are aborted, then all will be well. Well, part of the reason so many babies are aborted is because it is not only acceptable but almost expected that unmarried people, not just, but including, teens, will be having sex. If not for the need to maintain the ability for large scale out of wedlock sex, abortion would be a rare extreme procedure for people with unusual medical problems. you are right, I don’t know all about you. However one statement you made was indicative of something I commented on
Good points, ladies. Leigh, I think you should be blaming the short-sightedness and naivete (as opposed to self-centeredness) of teenaged girls for the decision to have pre-marital sex without regard for the possible consequences. “Baby” isn’t on the mind when they’re having sex.
Leslie, I guess I would simply say that ideas have consequences, and a major part of this problem is diminishing the foolishness of extra- or pre-marital sex (and I would say the immorality of such–and the foolishness and the immorality are related in my mind). Kids don’t need to be sexually active; they don’t need to have sex at all. Many teens want to have sex, and many adults want to not have to say “no” (and many adults also want to be free of moral constraints), so we end up condoning or blessing sex outside of marriage, but we’re doing so without regard for the “side effects” of such actions and of such a worldview.
This is undoubtedly complicated . . .
more later. But Ned, the problem is that I DO know teens who can verbalize very very well why this is a bad idea. The problem is that a lot of these kids are scared and controlled by their supposedly Christian parents (check out Allison Crews essay for an example of how horrible parents can be to their kids in the name of morality) rather than treated as if given appropriate information that they will make the right choices. THis goes beyond the sex issue..its just a pet peeve of mine when parents act as if teenagers are just automatically going to be stupid simply because they are teenagers. I cringe when I read magazine articles about “parenting” written for parents of teens that pretty much assume that your kids are automatically getting into stuff. There is no presumption of trust unless the kid gives you reason to doubt them. They are guilty until proven innocent by the parental police force. This environment isn’t conducive to kids learning to make good decisions because they are too busy reacting to their parents control. I don’t buy that teens don’t think just because of their age. Give them more credit. Believe me I am VERY conservative morally. However I think that the vast majority of conservative christian parents go about instilling these morals in entirely the wrong way.
Yes, parenting is incredibly challenging, and I can’t comment on any of the things (or people) you’ve referenced. But I think setting policy for a school system or any group of young people is wholly different than determining how I will raise my own child, don’t you agree?
you know, I read the link to the original denver post article (since I used to live in Colorado, this was a lovely little stroll down memory lane…) I always read the links….Anyway, for months i have been trying to sort out my feelings about adoption, having stumbled on some of the anti adoption websites while doing some research for a friend. At first I was saddened by the manipulation these girls endured. But after awhile, I noticed that NEVER did any of these girls/women ever say “I made this mess myself and now I am living with the consequences. Now I understand why out of wedlock sex is a bad idea” No, it was victim, victim, victim on down the line. there was absolutely zero owning of their own actions. It was all about how everybody else shat on them. i read the one posters comment and googled her personal website..this “Kathymom” woman who thought it was just terrible that these girls were not supported all the way to the bank. There was all this “reunion” business with her offspring. No thought for the people who raised her…just “lets pick up where we left off’ Now it is wrong to coerce someone BUT when do these people ever say that they helped create the situation where someone thought they were doing everyone a favor urging them to give their child up for adoption? Note I am not against birth families reuniting; it just seems like where this woman and her ilk were coming from was that she is the only true family and I sorta wonder where that leaves the adoptive parents after all these years. Every time people talk about “unintended pregnancy”, they act as if someone just wakes up preg the way you wake up with a cold. Where is the responsibility? Leslie may be right about the disconnect between sex and babies, but why is that? Unmarried sex has become so normalized that people feel it is their right to engage in it and remove any pesky obstacles (such as how to handle the babies that result from time to time) that stand in their way. Perhaps a wee bit of cause and effect education is called for. Tab A plus Slot B times nine months equals baby.
I saw a great bumper sticker today. I want one. “Abortion: because cheap sex is more important than life”. That about sums it up.
Katie, I’m glad you covered this. I had very similar thoughts after reading this. (It’s relatively local news to me, so I caught it when it was first published, I think.)
I’ve mentioned it to people who initially snorted at the notion of teen moms getting maternity leave. . . until they realized how quickly they are expected back at school.
And having spent over a decade with man who was born to a very young teen mother, I will never stop wondering how much of his life was shaped by the efforts of others to punish the child who gave birth to him.
And again I wonder why the scorn is almost exclusively reserved for the mothers.