How to raise a neurotic kid May 2, 2008
I’ve written quite a bit about my belief that “over-parenting” is bad for children, and I couldn’t agree more with this guy (who happens to work from a Christian perspective) that this type of smother-parenting can do long-term damage to children’s emotional well-being.
Another pitfall of overprotection is a heartbreaking irony: Because over-parented children are taught to obsess over themselves, they don’t learn how to connect with others. Helicopter parents, who think they are drenching their children with love, are raising lonely sons and daughters. The kids’ constant self-focus, developed under the tonnage of unending parental intervention, handicaps them in every social setting.
Self-focused kids—whether they’re shy and withdrawn or brash and mouthy—do not reach out to other people. They’re not friendly, so they don’t make friends well. Their near total self-consciousness appears to others as self-absorption. What they need is wise guidance and encouraging nudges. Problem is, that’s exactly what many overprotective parents find distasteful and don’t want—nudging their kids outward, even little by little, would negate their constant presence and persistent meddling.
And when they do allow their children to enter “the realm of others,” by demanding special consideration, they expect others to coddle their child. They tend to unleash harsh words and passive-aggression on those who don’t, whether grown-ups or youngsters. Such parents, mostly mothers, stack the deck against their own best interests as they contaminate play and turn their children into the pariahs of the kid world.
I’ll offer my unsolicited view on this again: babies need babying; big kids and teenagers need to spread their wings and be allowed to take risks and grow. And our culture has it all backwards. We treat babies and very young children like little adults - expecting them to meet developmental milestones like weaning, solitary sleep, etc much earlier than biology intends - and then we overparent our big kids in ways that prevent them from learning to function independently.
I agree with this from somewhat of a different angle. Many times the weaning and solitary sleep is legit. I think it is far less important than it is made out to be and contributes to the mindset that children are fragile and if you don’t do everything “just right” they will make some therapist rich some day. What tweaks me is the expectation that little children can reason like older kids. Small children are expected to make decisions in same fashion adults do. They are given way too many choices about things that should be arbitrary, all in the name of building self esteem. I don’t know if it is the same parents doing this with older kids, but so many parents of teens I know are control freaks. They have the kids future planned out. They won’t let their kids get pierced or dye their hair or any of the multitude of things teens do in the name of “self expression” (then the kids do it themselves)They practically make rebellion seem like the most attractive option out there. They tell the kid what extracurriculars they need so they can jump through the right hoops. THey make the kids decisions for them. Instead of teaching their kid how to navigate the internet and have good judgement, they put a filter on the computer. They do not teach their kids HOW to think or function on their own. It is all about keeping the kid out of trouble without teaching the kid how to keep themselves out of trouble. Older kids need to learn critical thinking skills and make their own decisions. LIttle kids need adults to make decisions for them based on what the parent believes will work best for that kid. Because I said so is a totally appropriate thing to say to a two year old. It is not appropriate to say to a fifteen year old. YEt it amazes me how many people try to reason with two year olds like they can understand the way a more mature person can. They think they are “building self esteem”. OLder kids actually DO need as much if not more parental attention and guidance as babies. Babies though are happy to snuggle with anyone as long as their needs get met. Older kids need to know their parents care and connect with them like the growing people they are. The parents are now more facilitators than commanders. It is their job to facilitate their teens growth, not to babysit. But that doesn’t mean that this is a time for mom and dad to drop out of the picture and leave the kid to their own devices. A lot of parents make the mistake of thinking their teens don’t need them any more and it is a tragic one.
Ah Paul Coughlin. I like him. The parent he describes in this article is totally my mother. I have had a lot to overcome in life. Fortunately I have raised my kids differently. I don’t know though that the same parents who are hovering over older kids are the same ones neglecting babies. I think the patterns start young. You may not be as hard core now, but when I had my first kiddo, the whole AP thing did in fact encourage thinking every move you made or didn’t make would screw your kid up for life.
Coughlin also makes an interesting point you didn’t touch on: t he lack of emotional expression. Many parents (hello MOM) have a real hard time with negative emotions. I remember my mother freaking out when I told her that I didn’t like my aunt. With good reason I later found out as an adult. My detectors were right on. But anything other than happy and cheerful all the time (read fake) was just out of my mothers comfort zone. I read recently that (for those of you in the know about psych diagnosis ala DSM) the parent who consistantly disallows any emotion that is not positive is exactly the recipe for producing borderline personality disorder. This is about far more than not crying it out or giving teens space. It is about working through your own stuff so that you do not, however subconsciously, thwart your child’s emotional growth.
And Laura, this is tied in with the previous post about teen sex. You may be blaming the wrong thing. It isn’t that teaching abstinence encourages wanton sex and being a free love type teaches responsibility. It is so often that those who preach abstinence are control freaks. Instead of teaching the kid, they threaten and control. They think telling their kid if they come home pregnant or get someone else pregnant that they are dead meat will prevent it. Having a little respect and not threatening goes much further. THe problem isn’t the goal: kids not engaging in non marital sex. The problem is how they go about it.
Regarding shyness–I recently read a book on the topic, and much of this can be genetic as well. Of course, then it’s even more important that parents help kids get out of their comfort zone. But I’m not convinced that parents cause their kids to have a shy or inhibited temperament.
I should read links before commenting on them–I see he addressed the issue I raised.
I think you raise a good point about our culture rushing babies to independence, while putting too much of a rein on bigger kids and their moves toward independence.
Like I said though, i wonder if it is the same people doing both these things. Or maybe there are two extremes of parents: those who want their kids to be as little trouble as possible and parents who hover and fret whatever the age.